From Dysregulation to Co-Regulation

Portions of this blog were taken from “What’s Behind Your Anger: And How to get in front of it” by Joe Lilly, LMSW posted Jan 8, 2019.

Every parent has had this experience.  We've all been at the store, the school, in church, at grandma's house.  What seems routine turns awry.  It’s unpredictable at first, but then…you know it's coming.  Whether your child is 3, 8, 12, or 16 you know all bets are off once they are dysregulated.  Of course, a 3 year old and a 16 year old will generally present with different behaviors, but for the parents, who now feel pretty helpless, it is a very similar experience regardless of their child’s age.  

Words have changed, perspectives have changed, and expectations have changed.  What was once just assumed to be a temper tantrum, is now understood more appropriately as a meltdown.   Further, we now better understand the emotional, developmental, social, cognitive, and many other causes behind these moments.  We know that a child is neither having a temper tantrum (though I would still argue there are moments when tantrums still happen) nor a meltdown (though I would still argue that they are in fact “melting down”), but instead, we now know this to be dysregulation.  We see it in children, teens, and adults.  Dysregulation is a disruption, abnormality, or impairment in the regulation of metabolic, physiological, and/or psychological processes.  To simplify, we become dysregulated when our internal systems cannot find balance. This may be hunger (or hanger…think Snickers commercial), an over stimulated sensory system, or an easily activated Fight, Flight, and Freeze system.

It’s important to note that what we see when a person is dysregulated is likely a behavior that we find undesirable, disrespectful, and/or threatening among many other things.  What we fail to see are the internal processes that are being experienced by the dysregulated person.  Our traditional attempts to manage (we mean control) outbursts are actually more likely to increase the experience of dysregulation and therefore further escalate the problem.  

I’d love to tell you that there’s an easy button (à la Staples) but that wouldn’t be fair.  However, there are strategies for decreasing the frequency, intensity, and duration of episodes of dysregulation.  We call this co-regulation.  Here are some key points: 

• Immediate grounding and calming

  • This may be what you need before approaching your dysregulated loved one. 

  • You will then be able to model this to the dysregulated person.  

• Cognitive and behavioral strategies

  • This involves learning to recognize, understand, and manage emotions by changing our thoughts and our actions to replace what is distressing with what is calming.   

• Self-Awareness and identification 

  • This involves learning to recognize, understand, and manage emotion and labeling your feelings and developing an awareness of both internal (physical signs such as heart rate, thoughts) and external (the perception of an injury, invasion, or injustice in the environment around you) triggers.  

• Lifestyle and self-care 

  • We must be responsible for taking care of ourselves.  Learn from each moment and become proactive for the next.  

• Seek support.  

  • This means both professional support if needed but also think strength in numbers.  No one can do life on their own.  Reach out to a trusted friend, a relative, a support group.  

By implementing these strategies and embracing the journey of self-discovery and regulation, individuals can move towards greater emotional balance and well-being.  Further, through their own successes that can model the desired changes to those around them.  Remember, dysregulation is a common experience, but with practice, patience, and support, managing its impact is achievable. Lillybrook is here to support you on this path to finding balance and fostering a healthier, more regulated life.