top of page
Search

Why the Language We Use with Kids Matters

Writer: Rachel Leackfeldt, LLMSW
Rachel Leackfeldt, LLMSW
Oct 8
3 min read

by Rachel Leackfeldt, LLMSW with information from The Child Mind Institute and The American Academy of Pediatrics


When our children aren’t listening to us or they’re repeating behavior that we’ve tried to stop many times, it’s natural to feel frustrated and not respond as our best self. In those moments, it is important to remember that our kids are still learning and trying to make sense of the information they receive about the world around them, and they rely on us as their parents and primary caregivers to help them. This is why it is crucial for parents and primary caregivers to be mindful of the language they use to communicate with their children. The words that we use with children shape their understanding of the world, their identity, and their role in the family and in the world. How we talk about ourselves, how we talk about others, and how we talk to and talk about our children directly impacts their self-esteem and their ability to form healthy relationships - they learn from watching us. 



Here are some ways to communicate effectively with children:

  1. Use a calm tone: If you are feeling upset, take a beat, take a deep breath or use other mindful breathing exercises to calm yourself down to be able to calmly talk to your child. When you yell, the message doesn’t get through because your child’s brain is focused on the emotions they are experiencing. Yelling also causes the thinking part of the brain to shut down, increases the flood of stress hormones, and doesn’t teach the child why they’re being disciplined. 

  2. Use “I” statements: Instead of saying “don’t do that” to try to stop your child from doing something you don’t want them to do, try using an “I” statement that describes what you want to see from them. For example, instead of saying “don’t hit me,” try saying “I want you to keep your hands to yourself” or “I want to see you respect my boundaries.” You can adapt the wording so that it is authentic to you and appropriate for your child’s specific age/developmental level. 

  3. Be clear and firm with expectations: Make sure that your child understands what you expect from them and what happens when they don’t meet those expectations. 

  4. Praise behavior that you want to encourage: Be sure to give a lot of praise when your child does something you want to see more often. For example, “I like how you’re using your coping skills” or “good job listening.”

  5. Be specific: Whether you are praising a child for doing something well or trying to correct a negative behavior, be sure to use specific details. Instead of saying “you’re being bad, “or “being good,” describe the specific thing the child did well or the behavior they need to improve. e.g. “You were running around the room” or “I like that you started your homework on time.” This helps clarify your expectations for your child and helps them focus on what to do instead of what not to do. It also separates the child’s identity from the behavior – they can sometimes make poor choices, but it doesn’t make them “bad.”

  6. Be fully present: Sometimes the best thing we can do is to just be there and listen, which means removing any distractions, such as your phone or laptop, and focusing solely on your child. Try to focus on understanding what they are telling you rather than just waiting to respond.



Keeping these tips in mind, remember that consistency is key. As humans, we are bound to make mistakes, but if we keep trying our best and showing up for our children, positive change is possible. 


References

Child Mind Institute. (2025, November 7). Parents Guide to Problem Behavior. Complete Guide 

to Managing Behavior Problems. https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-problem- behavior/#block_690e32c60a0e8 


 
 
 

Comments

bottom of page